In the past I was plagued by a need to engage in mild combat with others about nothing and anything, which was often reflective of my inner state. I would get caught in the web of seeking power through defensiveness, rather than being empowered through slowing down, being in the moment, and speaking my truth.
There is seductiveness to life (as viewed through the lens of the ego) in believing that the purpose of life is to have meaning, and if meaning doesn’t readily present itself, then to wrest it out of whatever petty interaction we can muster.
This led to a realization that I’m tired of being a human, doing the human journey. Made me incredibly sad. What I know about such aware nesses (when I embrace the emotion) is that they are inevitably followed by profound realizations that fill me with gratitude for my life.
Until then I just felt grief — unspecified, wrapped in boredom, cradling emptiness. I knew, in the deeper part of me, that it was only my ego who felt empty, bored, and grief at losing yet another illusion of what my life is about.
Eventually the next moment came when I felt joy in life, in the experience of living, of sensing life in my being. Yin and Yang — can’t have one without the other.